Chip And Joanna Done Pissed Off The Bigots, Oh Lord
Joanna better not give a gay couple any shiplap!
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A lot of MAGA is freaking out about Epstein right now. They feel betrayed, they’re scared, they’re confused why Donald Trump won’t just give them the files on Hillary Clinton and Tom Hanks and Barack Obama. He promised! He always keeps his promises!
We’re not here to talk about that today.
Because a bunch of MAGA — especially the white Christian nationalist side of MAGA — is also freaking out about something else this week. These are MAGA whose moral compasses have completely failed, whose brains have been fully poisoned and left on the kitchen counter too long, who have totally lost the ability to discern what matters and what doesn’t, what affects their lives and what doesn’t, what a crime that has victims actually looks like, versus something that is completely not that.
We’re talking about people who aren’t bothered by the fact that the president they worship was on a booby-doodling birthday card basis with one of history’s most notorious pedophiles — and all the possible implications of that — but whose actual greatest crisis this week is that they heard there was a gay couple on the new Chip and Joanna show.
Oh. My fucking. God. I am not kidding.
Franklin Graham, the disappointing result of Billy Graham’s most misbegotten cumshot, kicks us off:
“I hope this isn’t true,” Franklin Graham begins, like he’s just seen a news report that someone has died. “But I read today that Chip and Joanna Gaines are featuring a gay couple in their new series.”
Piper motherfuckin’ noooooooo, y’all! Very disappointing! The only way Chip and Joanna should be interacting with homosexuals is if they’re nailing them to the cross for their sins, preferably a cross made out of this cutesy shiplap Joanna found when she pulled down the rotten wood in this old barn!
For absolute fucks sake.
As I was saying. People who have lost all ability to discern right from wrong, what matters from what does not fucking matter. Franklin Graham doubtless doesn’t give a flying fuck about Donald Trump disappearing innocent immigrants without due process, won’t care if we find out Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein passed underage girls back and forth, but there’s a gay couple on the television! And this stupid man, who could have been prevented if Billy Graham had worn a condom that night, or just gone down for once and left it at that, is going to whine about it.
And so will many more fundamentalist Christian scumbags who haven’t contributed one thing of value to this life or the next, who laughably believe they have a special place in Jesus’s heart, people it would never occur to that Matthew 7:21-23 is about them.
Matthew 7:21-23 is about them. Also Isaiah 1:15.
So, Chip and Joanna Gaines. You may have watched them on HGTV over the years, building their home-renovating/lifestyle/whatever empire from their silos in Waco, Texas. They’ve created an annoying “aw shucks” persona over the years that’s intended to be wholesome, and I guess some people like it. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t spent a number of stupid hours on lazy weekends in the past watching their formulaic shows, and other formulaic shows on HGTV. I remember there being a certain point where I noticed that I had never seen a gay couple on one of their shows, which was weird for HGTV, which tends to showcase diversity across all its offerings.
I contrasted it at the time with another HGTV show called “Home Town,” set in Laurel, Mississippi, hosted by Ben and Erin Napier, a true Mississippi couple devoted to, as you might imagine, revitalizing their home town. But Laurel isn’t some white Hee Haw Handmaid’s Tale bend in the road. It’s racially diverse, and it’s got LGBTQ+ people, and Ben and Erin’s show reflects that. I noticed that they seemed super-enthusiastic (especially Erin) when they had a fun gay couple to redo a house for. Were/are Ben and Erin Trumpers? God, I hope not, but I didn’t feel compelled to look into it much further.
Not so with Chip and Joanna. I’ve gotten a bad taste in my mouth with them several times over the years, as time and again there have been reports about their bigoted pastor and church and so forth.
And honestly I don’t really care for all that shiplap or those fucking barn doors or goddamned white everything or the only style of architecture these people know is this weird “farmhouse chic” that is neither farmhouse nor chic.
That said, when I saw Franklin Graham bitching and moaning, I was glad to find out why. They have a new show called Back To The Frontier on their Magnolia Network, and I guess it’s some kind of competition reality thingie where three couples have to live like the olden timey days. And one of the couples?
IS THE GAY KIND.
Jason Hanna and Joe Riggs are their names, apparently, and they are the dads of twin boys.
Look, here is a trailer, should you be in to that sort of thing:
Is the show about Joe and Jason’s sex life? It is not. Do they have to learn how to fashion sex lube out of maple syrup and rainwater, having abandoned the trappings of modernity? No, but if RuPaul is reading this, I sense crossover potential for a show about drag queens in conestoga wagons and the like.
No, what Franklin Graham and so many others are pissed off about is that this gay couple exists, and that Chip and Joanna Gaines have chosen to acknowledge that they exist, and that their response to them existing is to treat them like anybody else, instead of stabbing them in the eyeballs with “God Hates Fags” signs.
Or as Franklin Graham would call it, “the love of Christ.” (Franklin Graham’s Jesus loves people like Jeffrey Epstein loved children, just like Christians like Franklin Graham love Israel like Jeffrey Epstein loved children. Predatory “love” is kind of a running theme with these people.)
Some nutsack at the Crossmap Blogs named Elizabeth Prata bellyaches that this is how “satan relentlessly promotes his agenda,” wank wank wank, fucking grow up. She continues with the same babbling we’re all used to from these types of people:
The broadcast/promotion of sodomite couples, the idea that you can rent a womb and take the children away from the mother, the notion that raising these boys in a homosexual home is OK, a home that according to many news stories frequently leads to pederasty…it’s all an abominable sin.
Oh wait, fuckin’ WHAT “frequently leads to pederasty”? Because according to my research what frequently leads to pederasty and just child sexual abuse in general is taking kids to conservative Christian churches and leaving them alone with the pastor or letting them go on ski trips with the youth group leader.
Cite a fucking link to “frequently leads to pederasty,” you godless piece of dogshit. I’ll wait while I keep counting the weekly stories about conservative Christians abusing children.
Oh, the whining has been incessant this week.
The vile American Family Association hate group:
“We aren’t sure why the Gaines [sic] have reversed course,” says Ed Vitagliano. Yes, why are they missing this opportunity to declare their Christian nationalist superiority over everyone else and condemn others to hell?
Seriously, the backlash has been ridiculous. JoeMyGod has several YouTube videos of full-length podcasts from Christian nationalist creeps and hatemongers, who have devoted full hours to this.
Here’s Allie Beth Stuckey from The Blaze, last seen on this newsletter having a real meltdown because Ms. Rachel didn’t include God Hates Fags in her Pride message. (Paraphrase. She described it as Ms. Rachel’s lack of understanding of “biblical love.” Look! Another example of these people “biblically loving” people like pedophiles love children.)
The One Million Moms hate group (one mom from Tupelo, Mississippi, who has no life and is the envy of no one) is sending out hate screeds.
I think my favorite temper tantrum came from Brooks Potteiger, the pastor of Secretary Shitfaced Pete Hegseth’s church. You’ve heard all about the denomination’s founder, Doug Wilson, who’s defended slavery and once wrote that “The sexual act cannot be made into an egalitarian pleasuring party. A man penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts.” Now meet the pastor of his own creepy local house of prayers God deletes without listening to, near Nashville:
“They have seemed so solid, so wholesome for so long and then this.This really is a satanic Trojan horse where the enemy has commandeered Magnolia as a Trojan horse.
“That’s what this is. Lull to sleep, lull to sleep, wholesome, get it in every single corner of your house, consume it all day long, trust them completely, and then have the agenda of normalizing same-sex mirage with these two poor souls of sons and have Chip Gaines say, ‘What family friendly viewing.’
“That’s a Trojan horse. It’s demonic, it’s evil, and I hope the Lord burns all of it to the ground until they repent. And I mean that, because this is wicked. This is wicked.”
Oh. My God. Get. A Fucking. Grip. You fucking. Babydicked. Losers.
May I reiterate that this is because one gay couple are contestants on a reality show about churning butter or some fuckall like that?
Seriously, go to YouTube and just search “Chip and Joanna.” EVERY result is loving Christians bitching about this.
I mean, what the absolute hell? What complete and total wastes of the gifts God gave them, and the bodies and minds God gave them to express those gifts. They think God is going to say “Well done, my good and faithful servant?” when they come on home to Heaven?
Bless their fuckin’ hearts.
I don’t know what Chip Gaines’s walk with the Lord on these issues has consisted of, bu his response to the manufactured controversy from God’s most wasted creations confirms that he’s indeed been on some version of such a walk, unlike anybody else in this post.
One line in there tells me that Chip, wherever he is exactly on this issue, his heart is at least aiming in the direction of Jesus:
Talk, ask qustns, listen.. maybe even learn. Too much to ask of modern American Christian culture. Judge 1st, understand later/never It’s a sad sunday when “non believers” have never been confronted with hate or vitriol until they are introduced to a modern American Christian
“Maybe even learn. Too much to ask of modern American Christian culture.” That’s biting, but that’s not the line. “Judge 1st, understand later/never.” He’s not fucking around, but that’s still not the line.
“It’s a sad sunday when ‘non believers’ have never been confronted with hate or vitriol until they are introduced to a modern American Christian.”
There it is. That’s the one that says he gets it.
Once you recognize that there is no group of people on this earth less loving, less Christlike, less godly, than white conservative American Christians, you can never un-recognize it. I don’t know if Chip Gaines would put it in precisely those terms — I imagine he would not — but he’s appalled, and he’s saying so.
Joel Berry, the Christian nationalist little bitch who serves as the managing editor of the Babylon Bee — you know, the funny site with the jokes! — responded to Chip Gaines’s response to the hate-lash like this:
Chip was nice about Joel’s suggestion about “substantive concerns and heartbreak,” which would be fine if any existed. But they don’t. The “substantive concerns and heartbreak” of people who are, in the year 2025, still upset that gay people and their families are allowed to exist, are invalid. Irrelevant. Unworthy of respect or listening or taking to heart or finding common ground with. They have earned one thing in life, and it is disowning and shunning by those in their families and communities who might otherwise be vulnerable to their hate.
You certainly wouldn’t want your children playing at their houses with their children.
“The multibillion dollar industry dedicated to destroying the family.” Fuck yourself in the cheap seats in hell, Nazi trash.
Matt Walsh responded to Chip’s tweet too. He did that boring thing where poorly read, intellectually mediocre Christian trash tries to lecture others on their understanding of the religion. Matt Walsh sells stuffed animals of himself in a diaper, for children. Fuck off, Mr. Stranger Danger.
Obviously, the level of histrionics here is because this is Chip and Joanna doing this. This is a betrayal. Like I said at the top, the Gaines’s past associations and the notable lack of an LGBT person on any of their shows was enough back in the day to make me, a gay man with deep roots in the church, not want to watch their show.
These sick creepers were pretty certain Chip and Joanna were theirs. And at one point, they might have been. Remember the vitriol these types hurled when they found out that all their masturbations about Taylor Swift secretly being a Nazi just like them were just masturbations, that she wasn’t a secret Nazi, and that she was a normal, loving, happy person who loved normal, loving and happy people, no matter who they were?
This is like that.
As Hemant Mehta points out at the Friendly Atheist, faith has always been central to the Gaines’s branding, and so in some ways, this is a backlash they totally set themselves up for.
And to be sure, it’s not like Chip and Joanna are holding a town hall to address their past stances on LGBT people, and one gay couple on one show doesn’t amends make. But between that and how Chip responded?
I’m tentatively encouraged, at least.
One thing’s for sure, we should definitely scratch at their wounds over this every chance we get.
Who hates you now, fundamentalist Christians? Jesus, obviously, but oooooh maybe Chip and Joanna hate you now, oooooooh uh oh!
Anyway, the end.
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"No, but if RuPaul is reading this, I sense crossover potential for a show about drag queens in conestoga wagons and the like."
The 'The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert'/'Oregon Trail' mashup we all want!
"You have died ... 𝙊𝙁 𝘼𝙒𝙀𝙎𝙊𝙈𝙀𝙉𝙀𝙎𝙎!!"
How dare these fundamentalist presume to speak for all Christians. Were I Christian, I'd be offended.