If The Cracker Barrel Logo Is Your 'Culture,' You Don't Have A 'Culture'
And Byron Donalds can keep whatever sick shit he did in the parking lot TO HIMSELF, PLEASE.
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One more thing:
OK, let’s talk about Cracker Barrel!
Earlier this week, I thought I might write about this weird rant Charlie Kirk went on about immigrants (surprise), wherein he asserted that pretty much no immigrants, no matter if they are here legally, no matter if they are citizens, are really Americans, at least not if they have brown skin or aren’t Christian. (He didn’t say it that blatantly, but it’s fair summary if you read the transcript.)
Telling immigrants to “go back to your place of origin,” he explained:
[W]e have a culture to protect. We have a country to love. No man can serve two masters. Christ our Lord said that. We have a heritage to preserve.
It just made me laugh and shake my head, because what culture? No, seriously, what culture does this ugly freak represent? What heritage, besides the heritage that used to consider this human participation trophy superior to others, simply by virtue of the fact that he’s a white conservative Christian man?
Later on in the week, Charlie was still fucking that mayonnaise-basted chicken, bitching and moaning his little deformed face off about how he simply cannot have “Christlike compassion” for immigrants who have been here a long time but still can’t speak English. He doesn’t like multiculturalism. He would rather have “uniculturalism,” and that is ‘Murican. And if you are ‘Murican, you speak ‘Murican.
It’s just tiny-dicked Nazi Klan bitch shit, from one of the least special men God ever accidentally sent to earth when He flushed without paying attention.
It reminded me of that fantastic rant that went viral a few weeks ago from Jennifer Welch on the “I’ve Had It” podcast, where she told Trump voters to “Get your fat asses over to Cracker Barrel,” and please self-deport from all other aspects of the culture their pigfuck asses didn’t create and don’t deserve to be a part of.
It was really outstanding, if you haven’t seen it, watch:
WELCH: I’ve had it with white people that triple-Trumped, that have the nerve and the audacity to walk into a Mexican restaurant, a Chinese restaurant, an Indian restaurant, go to perhaps their gay hairdresser. […]
I don’t think you should be able to enjoy anything but Cracker Barrel. And if you want to triple-Trump, and you want to browbeat DEI, and you want to browbeat gay people, and you want to browbeat Black people as you’ve been doing for 400 years, and you want to browbeat this generation of immigrants that come over here and open up businesses earnestly, pay their taxes, you want to demonize them and call them rapists and felons and all this shit, when the felon is the teeny-weeny mushroom-cocked piece of shit, Cankles McTacoTits at the top of the ticket?
I have fuckin’ had it from top to bottom. White people that triple-Trumped should be banned, boycotted from enjoying the best thing that America has to offer, which is multiculturalism. Get your fat asses out of the Mexican restaurant, get your fat asses over to Cracker Barrel, because nobody wants to see your fuckin’ smug ass, teeny weeny, pink arm, big gut around, nobody wants to see that shit, NO ONE.
I agree 100 percent, and I’ve felt that way for a long time. Hell, I sneered at a woman with a Trump sticker on the back of her BMW going into goddamned Sprouts last night, and she knew it. Get the fuck out of nice places in the middle of my city, garbage MAGA humans, or if you insist on being present, take that fucking sticker off your car and see if you can manage to go incognito without being openly white supremacist and/or demanding to speak to the manager.
But that’s a digression.
What’s hilarious is that Jennifer Welch told them to get their fat asses to Cracker Barrel, and now almost immediately Cracker Barrel has broken all their hearts by Doing A Woke.
What did the Cracker Barrel do? Well, they changed their logo and took the old cracker and the barrel out of it. Now it’s just text. I can’t say I love it, but I also can’t say my life is so empty that it’s going to affect me either fucking way. (And I, for the record, like Cracker Barrel! I am after all a Southerner.)
You can see the old logo and the new logo in this screengrab from Pete Hegseth’s former work-husband Will Cain’s podcast.
The title of that episode of Cain’s podcast? “Cracker Barrel goes WOKE! Goodbye tradition?”
For fucks sake.
I have to say, I really did not expect Cracker Barrel’s rebrand to wound white MAGA Americans this deeply, but I reckon I should’ve. Besides the logo, not much is actually changing. They’re brightening up some paint colors, freshening up some decor. The rocking chairs aren’t going anywhere. The gift shops will remain. The gravy and the chicken-fried steak and all of that, it will remain. You can still play the damned Chinese checkers. (Though more on that in one second.)
Also, they were already totally welcoming of LGBTQ+ people on their front porch, which led the fascist Christian Texas Family Project to hilariously tweet in 2023 that “Cracker Barrel has fallen.”
If there was a time for this histrionic pantshitting, it would have been then, or in 2022, when they introduced meatless sausages. (Not to replace all their meat-ful sausages. In addition.)
But no, it is happening right now, and let me tell you, it is some histrionic pantshitting. (And it’s being expanded to include those earlier things, obviously.)
A few days ago, MAGA activist Christopher Rufo — one of America’s foremost race-baiting bigots, he who manufactured the panic over “Critical Race Theory” out of whole cloth before moving on to manufacture new lies about LGBTQ+ people, he who is also at the forefront of the planned demolition of higher education in the US — wasn’t on board with a full pantshitting over Cracker Barrel’s logo change. He tweeted that he had never been to a Cracker Barrel and did not care what their logo looked like.
Doesn’t care? DOESN’T CARE?!
Well, Chris Rufo has now seen the light, or heard the ka-ching of the MAGA grievance cash register, and he is officially on board:
“On second thought, we must break the Barrel.” Rufo is now retroactively angry at Cracker Barrel for all the other things: “It’s not about the logo. Cracker Barrel went full woke: DEI, Pride, pronouns, the whole bit. Now it will pay the price.”
OK, you fuckin’ weirdo. You definitely have an important life and God’s not gonna laugh at you when you start pre-cumming at the pearly gates for a “Well done, my good and faithful servant” that you’re never going to get.
Todd Starnes, pretty much the archetype of the microdicked dumpy MAGA waddler Jennifer Welch was talking about above, had this reaction, tying it to MAGA losers’ previous histrionics over that one time Bud Light was nice to a transgender woman:
What a very normal guy!
The greatest reaction, by far, the one that renders all other reactions unnecessary to post, came from Florida GOP Rep. Byron Donalds:
“I even gave my life to Christ in their parking lot.”
Wow, man. Were you parked behind the dumpster? Was it after your shift? Did you give your life to Christ in your pants before you had a chance to unzip, or were you able to play it cool by thinking of your grandma?
Gross, dude.
These absolute freaks, these white MAGA bitch-ass losers — OK 99.9999 percent white with a remainder of good old Byron Donald the Black Republican right there — are upset, and this is the thing they’re upset about.
The never-nude CEO of the Federalist, Sean Davis, is even whining because apparently Cracker Barrel changed the Chinese checkers game and it no longer says that if you leave four or more pegs, you are just plain “Eg-No-Ra-Moose.” Which, OK, we’ll give him that one, that’s stupid. Also we don’t know if he’s a real never-nude, he just looks like one, and he’s a vile piece of shit like every other person in this post.
Anyway, this is all now on the radar of unhinged LGBTQ-hating freakshow and self-styled woke corporation hunter Robby Starbuck, who now works for Meta monitoring its AI for “bias,” after he queened out litigiously in response to its AI allegedly “defaming” him. He, like Rufo, is now taking this opportunity to call Cracker Barrel to account for its “woke” sins, which based on his list of grievances seems to translate as all the times Cracker Barrel didn’t sufficiently make gay or trans kids want to kill themselves.
That’s what this freak-out is about.
All these people are acting like the guy in the Cracker Barrel logo was their grandfather or, I dunno, maybe for Byron Donalds the old guy in the logo was who he really gave his life to in the parking lot.
Apparently the character’s name is Uncle Herschel. Did you know that? I did not know that. But to listen to these MAGA losers bitch and moan, you’d think they’ve been naming their meth babies Herschel this whole time, in honor of where they were conceived, in the Cracker Barrel parking lot with Byron Donalds and Jesus.
But Their Culture, Their Heritage!
If you are upset about this, if Cracker Barrel’s logo changing hurts and offends you on a cultural level, it means one thing, and it’s that you have zero culture worth defending, Charlie Kirk. (And yes, of course he’s weighing in on this.)
Seriously. These people, these MAGAts, have nothing. Nothing worth preserving, nothing worth celebrating, nothing.
Let’s count up the things these white conservative Christian MAGA nutsacks have contributed to the culture. Yeah, I’m stumped too. Let’s move on!
Even things they think might be theirs aren’t. Actual good country music? Didn’t come from white conservatives. Lots of it was influenced by and melded together with blues and folk and other developing genres, but it sure didn’t come from MAGA types. Majestic church music? They didn’t build that. Europeans built that, and white MAGA churches these days are mostly people mindlessly grunting out refrain after refrain of “Jesus Get Inside Me” until they’re hypnotized enough to believe whatever their kid-touching pastor tells them.
Oh, that’s one! They have “dropping their kids off to get molested at church by youth group leaders and pastors they’re supposed to trust.” That’s a very important part of white conservative MAGA American culture.
Do they have cuisine? Do some white conservative Christian MAGA types, particularly of the southern persuasion, make some good food? Sure, yeah, probably, some of them. But that goes across racial and cultural and religious and political lines, and they don’t do it as well as Black folks. No regional food, no anything, is most purely the province of white conservatives.
Gender reveal fireworks accidents? They have that.
Commercial country music that’s made in a lab, engineered specifically to hit their idiot pleasure sensors when delivered by crap artists like Carrie Underwood and Morgan Wallen? Yep.
Hate and bigotry and racism and that godawful fucking Lee Greenwood song? Sure.
Never getting out of the town you were born in? Opioids? Cousin marriage?
Thinking The Apprentice was a real TV show about a real businessman?
Thinking reality TV in general is real?
Proudly only speaking one language — which they don’t really speak very well — and feeling threatened, resentful and suspicious any time they hear somebody speaking in another one?
Leaving comments in local news comments sections about how they refuse to enter the nearest large city without an arsenal of security blanket guns in their underpants?
These things are their culture, along with the previous Cracker Barrel logo, I guess.
Point is, they have nothing. Literally anything they could point at and say “this is my culture” is just a euphemism for their pigfucking ignorance, bigotry, racism, misogyny, homophobia, all the walls of hatred they build up to keep them distracted from what absolute losers they really are.
So here we are watching all these dipshits act like the old man on the Cracker Barrel logo was their dad and now the wokes have killed him and/or forced him to become transgender.
Anything that distracts them from how horribly unfulfilling their shitty fucking lives really are.
Here’s Gavin Newsom making fun of all of this, because of course. (As usual, Fox News still doesn’t understand who exactly the butt of the joke is.)
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I love Southern food. I would slap my mother for a really, truly good plate of biscuits and gravy. Cracker Barrel ain't that. The worst restaurant meal I've ever had was at a Cracker Barrel in Provo, Utah. This led me to believe that if you take the Black people out of the Southern cooking, what you have left is bland, lukewarm, slightly nauseating fatty mush. Which, when combined with "you are what you eat," explains some things about MAGA.
ANYWAY, even the whitest of white people can do better than that for themselves when they aren't such weak, grasping assholes. TYFYATTM.
Cracker barrel can do anything they want with their logo but it won't make their food taste any better.