MAGA Manliness Is A Parasitic, Fraudulent Joke. Laugh At It Mercilessly.
Also, MAGA men are an absolute joke. Laugh at THEM mercilessly.
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Watching the scenes in Los Angeles, as Donald Trump, Stephen Miller and their simpering little errand boy Secretary Shitfaced Pete Hegseth invade and attack an innocent American city — the famous Bin Laden Determined To Strike In US memo comes to mind — I knew pretty quickly what I was going to write about for today’s Friday newsletter.
Vicarious masculinity.
What do I mean by that?
Watch this video of Speaker Mike Johnson — speaking of simpering, quivering little errand boys for bigger, stronger, fascists — saying California Governor Gavin Newsom should be “tarred and feathered” for how he’s handled the Los Angeles protests. (Which are, to be clear, a few hundred people mostly peacefully dancing and singing over a few city blocks in an area where hardly anybody in Los Angeles ever goes. There are no riots, and anybody who says otherwise is a mouthbreathing Aryan scrotal sack actively engaged in helping to create history’s stupidest Reichstag Fire for Donald Trump, history’s stupidest Hitler.)
Oooooooh, big maaaaaaaaaaaaaan, Mike Johnson. Biiiiiiiig man!
Of course, he’s not being his own big man there. He’s grasping onto the masculinity of Tom Homan, Trump’s czar of kidnapping babies and toddlers who look brown to him, the giant sack of meat whose entire demeanor screams, “I am the BOSS AND KING of this 7th grade gym class, and you will OBEY MY WHISTLE!”
That’s where Johnson is sourcing his masculinity right there. MAGA is full of men like this, simpering little milquetoast pissbritches boys who hide behind the pantlegs of men they perceive as bigger and stronger than they are, peeking out to shout, “That’s right, my dad’s gonna BEAT YOU UP!”
Of course, when Gavin Newsom responded to Homan’s threats by essentially saying come on, loser, arrest me, but keep your hands off four-year-old girls, you little fucking creep, he immediately backed down like a little bitch.
That’s why I wanted to highlight this today.
MAGA masculinity is fundamentally fraudulent and parasitic, and should be mocked and scorned relentlessly for it.
Sticking with Mike Johnson — an endless fount where this topic is concerned — here’s how he reacted to the appalling incident where Donald Trump’s Gestapo pigs tackled California Senator Alex Padilla to the ground for trying to ask ICE Nazi Barbie Kristi Noem a question during one of her Instagram Glamour Shot Reality Show press conferences about the imaginary crisis she and the Trump regime are trying to concoct in Los Angeles.
In that video, Johnson — big man! — says Padilla should be censured. Like a conservative white Christian father who hasn’t actually earned an ounce of respect from his or anybody else’s children, Johnson tries to sound firm as he says the Senate needs to send a message that “that is not how we’re going to act.” We’re not going to have “senators charging Cabinet secretaries,” he says.
Did that happen? No, Mike Johnson is a lying piece of shit. No, Alex Padilla did not “charge” anyone. Yes, he identified himself multiple times. You can hear him say he’s a senator over and over again, while Trump’s dumb animal enforcers drag him away. You can watch video of it!
But note how parentally this little pissboy motherfucker thinks he’s allowed to speak about Alex Padilla. Ohhhhhhhhh, what a tiny little fucking boy he is.
But again, Mike Johnson is not finding his MAGA masculinity inside his own self. It’s all an act. He’s watching that video of the thugs taking down Padilla and he’s quivering as he siphons off of the manliness he perceives the enforcers having.
And when he’s not finding it there, he’s finding it from Secretary Shitfaced, or from his big boss daddy Trump himself.
We’ve talked about this lately, how these people aren’t acting from positions of strength, how they’re absolute cowards when you get right down to it. Scared of cities, scared of non-white people, scared of their own shadows.
To that we can add “desperately scared of people thinking they’re not super masculine strong burly manly men.”
But they don’t actually have it in them, so they beclown themselves trying to find it in other men. (I’m not saying these men are closet cases, but I am saying there is something weird and psychosexual going on.)
You see it with Secretary Shitfaced all the time. Oh, he is just little mister big guy, isn’t he! His entire little persona is WARFIGHTER BIG GUY! and PEW PEW PEW! and NO GIRLS ALLOWED! Playing dress-up with his white nationalist racist tattoos and going into battle against pronouns in the culture wars, AKA the only wars he actually seems to know how to fight.
Or when he testifies in Congress and sneers at questions that he believes undermine his God-given authority. Look at him sneer and roll his eyes as Democratic Rep. Seth Moulton tries to get him to answer the simple question “WHY” he’s fired the generals he’s purged.
But, you see, all of Secretary Shitfaced’s manliness — all of it — comes from the anointing of whichever Daddy he is currently sniveling under the control of. And right now, his Daddy is Donald Trump. (Seriously, watch him in Cabinet meetings. His entire body language becomes utterly and completely subservient to Trump, like he’s simultaneously scared and thrilled that Daddy might backhand him, so he’d better start yes-sir-ring for Daddy’s love and approval.)
Oh, I am sure Hegseth is full of a false sense of manhood this week, because Trump is giving him orders to attack the American people, something he’s had a little stiffy to do for ages.
But it’s not inner strength he’s exuding. He’s at Trump’s trough, as usual.
Look what happens when Rep. Salud Carbajal (D-CA) treats Hegseth like the little chickenshit he is, and gets right in the middle of his “My Daddy Knows Best And If You Are Mean To My Daddy I’ll Cry” relationship with Trump.
You can see the fear on the little boy’s face, as the congressman tries to get him to veer from his script of saying he loves Daddy, simply by trying to get Hegseth — the literal actual secretary of Defense — to affirm that personal allegiance to Donald Trump is not a requirement for serving the United States of America.
Carbajal was not fucking having it. “Not today, Hegseth.”
He continued: "You’re not worthy of my attention or my questions. You're an embarrassment to this country. You’re unfit to lead, and there's been bipartisan members of Congress that have called for your resignation. You should just get the hell out and let somebody competently lead this department."
And that is how you speak to these people. You treat them with the respect they’ve earned, which is zero.
And in so doing, you utterly destroy whatever flimsy image of power and masculinity they’ve constructed.
Gavin Newsom fucked Kegseth up this week with five simple words: “Pete Hegseth is a joke.” To which he added, “everybody knows it.” Continuing to pile on: “He’s just weakness masquerading as strength.” And then Newsom caught himself and said maybe he’s not even masquerading, he’s just weakness.
Well guess what? All these MAGA men are a joke. (And of course, the women they have chosen to play supporting roles in their passion plays of masculine insecurity, like White House Nazi Barbie Karoline Leavitt and Justice Department Nazi Barbie Pam Bondi and the aforementioned ICE Nazi Barbie Dogmurders McGee.)
Everybody knows it.
They’re just weakness masquerading as strength.
Or scratch that, they’re just fucking weak.
Secretary Shitfaced is a joke.
Tom Homan is a joke.
Stephen Miller is a joke.
J.D. Vance is a crying-out-loud motherfuckin’ joke.
Donald Trump is the biggest joke of all.
Trump, the ultimate loser — who sucks his sense of masculinity from Vladimir Putin and other dictators, from Netanyahu, who fantasizes that they regard him as a peer — while Putin thumbs his nose and laughs at Trump’s attempts to end his war with Ukraine. And uh oh, look what Netanyahu just did last night to Iran! Guess Trump didn’t get his Art of the Deal done fast enough there.
Every one of these men is, at all times, borrowing his masculinity from another man. And every one of them should be mocked for it, mercilessly, relentlessly and without end, forever and ever, amen.
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-Evan
JFC Evan! This one is brilliant! I've never really seen it completely this way. Sure I understood the insecurity and the performative masculinity, but that all of it is borrowed from some perceived manly man one rung above them all the way up the chain only to realize that there is nothing at the top of the chain. They are all borrowing from a stupid destructive mythology that is so fucking tiresome and outdated it just needs to go the way of the dodo. There is no there there.
In the middle of the Watergate scandal (1973), Stewart Alsop wrote about the alliance between "the phony-tough and the crazy-brave" that had produced the crisis. History repeats itself as farce: the current administration seems to have plenty of phony-toughs, but so far few crazy-braves. I guess we should be thankful for that. See you in the streets tomorrow for some good old-fashioned peaceful protest!