What Do Sickos Like Mike Huckabee Really Believe About Israel?
And why do we say conservative evangelicals love Israel and Jewish people like pedophiles love children?
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As of this morning (Friday morning) it’s unclear what Donald Trump wants to do in response to Israel’s latest war against Iran, which the Netanyahu and Trump regimes are assuring the world definitely needed to happen right this second. After all, Iran can put together a nuclear weapon in two weeks! Just get them some construction paper, glue and glitter, I guess. White House Birth Of A Nation Barbie Karoline Leavitt said that, and I’m sure she’s right about the timeline.
Meanwhile, Leavitt also announced yesterday that Trump will decide within “two weeks” whether the United States is going to directly attack Iran. Which is cutting it close, if you ask us! Iran is over here doing the “Make A Nuke” challenge and Trump is doing the “Am I A Taco?” challenge, and oh boy, this is some nail-biting reality TV! But anyway, that’s why all the jokes about old Two Weeks Trump are proliferating on the internet right now.
I’m just glad all these adults are in charge. (Trump is reportedly shutting out Secretary Shitfaced in Iran war planning, because we guess even he knows Secretary Shitfaced is a dumbass and a loser. Still, kind of stunning that the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE is being shut out of war planning.)
One thing I’ve been noticing about the run-up to a possible new hot war in the Middle East — again, definitely necessary RIGHT NOW and has nothing to do with how Netanyahu’s government was on the verge of collapse — is a certain cast of characters fearlessly and breathlessly and orgasmically trying to run to the front of the line to support Israel maybe starting World War III, or at least they really seem to hope so.
For example, Mike Huckabee, Trump’s extremist Christian ambassador to Israel, typed a long, fevered text to Trump — seemingly with one hand — about how Donald Trump is in a position so special no president has been there since Truman in 1945. (And what did Truman do in 1945?) Huckabee told Trump that God is going to speak directly to Trump, I guess through some sort of bush or something, but seemed to want to make sure Trump knew God has a real hard-on for bombing Iran, just in case Trump misses the message. The White House of course shared Huckabee’s text about how Trump is God’s sword on earth or whatever.
Ted Cruz is out here fighting with Vladimir Putin’s son Tucker Carlson on why we should be warring with Israel against Iran, even though Carlson’s basic line of questioning revealed Cruz doesn’t really know shit about the country he’s jonesing to annihilate.
This clip from CNN gave me the inspiration from God I needed to write this week’s newsletter:
Jennifer Welch from the I’ve Had It podcast explained:
“The speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, he’s a rapture prepper. This guy’s waiting for the rapture, just like Ted Cruz is. So you have this whole sect of MAGA that, they support Israel because they want the Jews to be in Israel so that Jesus can come back for the Rapture, and that’s a very real thing that’s in Congress. And that’s not foreign policy, that’s magical thinking.”
God bless Jennifer Welch for saying it right now and saying it out loud.
And “rapture prepper,” that is very good! And it’s exactly what those creeps believe.
If you read me a lot, you’ll hear me say that conservative Christians “love” Israel and Jews like pedophiles “love” children. (Although considering the results of my project tracking how often conservative Christian leaders abuse children, perhaps it can just be amended to “conservative Christians love Israel and Jews like conservative Christians love children.” Ahem.)
And people make comments and jokes about how the love of a man like Mike Huckabee for Israel and Jewish people is less than worthless, is predatory in fact, because he literally only “supports” Israel so his sick God can (he believes) throw most of the population of Israel into the lake of fire for all eternity, in order that His Holy And Divine Plan™ might come to fruition.
But it occurred to me that some people might not know exactly what these weirdos believe about Israel, even in its simplest form. So I thought I’d tell folks! I’m going to tell the most simplest version, because believe me, these people sit around arguing about this like it’s the most important thing in the world. There are postmillennials, amillennials, pre-millennial dispensationalists, people who believe in a pre-Tribulation Rapture, people who don’t think the idea of a “Rapture” is even Biblical — it’s extremely not remotely in the Bible, not even a little bit — and so forth.
What do all those words mean? Who gives a shit! Maybe we’ll talk more about stuff like that in another post someday.
But I’m going to give some of the basic structure of what these people believe, so that we may understand why people like Huckabee, Cruz, Mike Johnson and others are walking around with boners about right now. All those men are Southern Baptists, by the way, because the Southern Baptists are really into this shit.
Anyway, How Does Israel Fit In To These Prophecies?
In its post above, The Tennessee Holler included a link to a Washington Post story from 2018 — around the time Trump 1.0 moved the American embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem — which was built around a poll on Israel from LifeWay Research, that found among other things:
80% of evangelicals believe the creation of Israel in 1948 was an important moment in Bible prophecy, and set the End Times in motion.
Over 60% of evangelicals support Israel because they believe God literally gave it to the Jews, citing the promise of God to Abraham.
52% think Israel is important for fulfilling Biblical prophecy.
Etc.
So there’s a timeline involved, it started in 1948 — or even with the Balfour Declaration in 1917, in which the British government announced its support for a “national home for the Jewish people” — and lots of these people are jizzing themselves because they think we’re really in the thick of it right now. (While Trump moving the embassy to Jerusalem and recognizing it as the capital of Israel isn’t to be specifically found in scripture, Trump’s most batshit evangelical supporters agreed to act as if it was during his first term.)
"What kick-starts the end times into motion is Israel's political boundaries being reestablished to what God promised the Israelites according to the Bible," a pastor named Nate Pyle told Newsweek at the time.
OK, so there’s that. Israel must be re-established. Check.
A few years after 1948, in the late 1960s, when Vietnam was raging and the Boomers were having fun doing free love to each other, the conservative evangelical Christians were doing free love to Biblical prophecy, mainlining books by Campus Crusade for Christ bigwig Hal Lindsey like The Late Great Planet Earth — I have read THEM ALL — which laid out everything else that not only must happen for Jesus to return, but was DEFINITELY HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. (A commenter amusingly points out below often Lindsey’s proclamations would have to be updated in subsequent books, each time world events would render his previous book’s interpretations absolutely inoperable. A charlatan? Yes, yes Hal Lindsey was!)
One thing Lindsey’s books focus on, a prophecy that remains unfulfilled all these years later, is full Israeli control of the Temple Mount, AKA the site of the original Jewish Temple in Jerusalem, which, saith the prophecies, must be rebuilt for Jesus to come back. After the 1967 war, Israel had sole control of it, for a minute, but that site is also one of the holiest places in Islam, the site of the Al-Aqsa mosque where Muhammad ascended to heaven. There has, since 1967, been a status quo agreement between Jewish and Islamic authorities for the administration of the site.
Needless to say, Christian evangelical extremists really want full control of that. Lindsey’s books, if I remember correctly, feature several ominous moments where they mention the existence of the mosque on the site, in like a hint, hint sort of tone of voice, reminding readers that for the prophecies to be fulfilled that temple must be rebuilt. Which would mean something else would have to come down. Some of the websites I’m linking to today feature similarly ominous cliffhanger moments.
(Look around that whole region of Jerusalem on Google Maps. It’s not hard to see why it might be a sticking point between several religions.)
Anyway, as I said, there are all kinds of disagreements between Bible Trivia champions over the timing of how the prophecies will come to pass, a field of study I like to call GIANT WANKING MOTION DOT GIF. Here are the first three charts I found on the internet when I went searching (credit available if you click on my search!):
If you did not grow up in the conservative evangelical and/or charismatic church, you might be shocked to learn how much time its adherents spend obsessively poring over this kind of shit — and you might gain new insight into QAnon, and why its adherents, many of whom are the same people, are so susceptible to it. Because for every one of these charts, there is “Jane, You Ignorant Slut!”-ting that explains how that chart is wrong, according to Biblical symbology, numerology, concordances, and their pastor.
But the point is, they do all tend to agree that all of this happens in and around Jerusalem, not Jonestown, though there is still a shitload of Kool-Aid involved.
Somewhere in the various timeframes, the Jewish temple is rebuilt, the one that was destroyed in 70 A.D. At some point in the timeframes, Jesus will come back, either after He swoops all the current believers into the air and then comes back at a later date, or all at once. (Again, this would be the theology of the Rapture, which is really not Biblical, but it saves evangelicals a lot of worry about having to be present when things get very stinky on Earth. Anyway, enjoy this Reddit thread about that!)
At some point, Jesus reigns for 1,000 years of peace and prosperity, but then around year 1,001 shit goes all to fuck and there is a seven-year Tribulation upon all the earth, whereupon the anti-Christ reigns, yadda yadda.
Conservative Evangelicals, By Definition, Hate Jews
You can play with the timelines all you want — especially if you’ve never seen them before and want to explore! — but this is the important part when it comes to how sadistic conservative evangelical Christian “love” for Israel really is. Because they believe that the Jewish people will — or must — convert to Christianity or get thrown into the lake of unending fire.
From the Newsweek article I referenced above:
"Evangelicals view themselves as sympathetic to Israel, but the underlying belief is motivated by a desire to see the Jewish people 'turn to Jesus,'" Blake Chastain, a former evangelical who hosts a podcast on evangelicalism, told Newsweek. Chastain, who grew up in an evangelical family, dedicates his time to explaining what he calls the "subculture" of evangelicalism. He said the evangelical belief that Jews will eventually accept Jesus is problematic.
"I'm not sure evangelicals see that as offensive to the Jewish faith or dismissive of the covenants God made with the Jewish people, but it certainly seems so to me," Chastain added.
Here is a list of prophecies, fulfilled and unfulfilled, that I found on a Christian prophecy website after four seconds of Googling. According to them, FULFILLED: Israel re-established, resurrection of the Hebrew language, Jews back in Jerusalem, etc. BEING FULFILLED (they say): World turns on Israel over control of Jerusalem.
And here is their STAY TUNED section:
The Arab nations of the world will attack Israel in a coordinated effort to annihilate the state (Psalm 83).
Israel will soundly defeat the Arab alliance (Zechariah 12:6).
Israel will dwell in security and prosperity (Ezekiel 38:11).
A Russian coalition consisting mainly of Muslim nations will invade Israel (Ezekiel 38:1-17).
The Russian coalition will be destroyed supernaturally by God (Ezekiel 38:18-23 & 39:1-8).
The Antichrist will intervene and guarantee the security of Israel, enabling the Jews to rebuild their Temple (Daniel 9:27).
At the end of three and a half years, the Antichrist will enter the rebuilt Temple in Jerusalem and declare himself to be God (Daniel 9:27, Matthew 24:15-18, & 2 Thessalonians 2:3-4).
The Jews will reject the Antichrist, and he will respond with an attempt to annihilate them, killing two-thirds of them in the process (Revelation 12:13-17 & Zechariah 13:8-9).
At the end of the Tribulation, when the Jews have come to the end of themselves, they will turn to God and receive Yeshua as their Messiah (Zechariah 12:10, Romans 9:27-28, & Romans 11:25-27).
Jesus will return and regather all believing Jews to Israel (Deuteronomy 30:1-9).
Israel will be established as the prime nation in the world (Isaiah 2:1-4 & Micah 4:1-7).
The Lord will bless the Jewish remnant by fulfilling all the promises He has made to Israel (Isaiah 60:1-62:7).
The blessings of God will flow out to all the nations through the Jewish people during the Millennial rule of Jesus (Zechariah 8:22-23).
See numbers eight and nine, where Jews are essentially destroyed, first by the anti-Christ, then by Jesus, even though these people are too sick and brainwashed to see it that way?
See how Jews are just pawns in their Bible prophecy masturbation game?
See what I mean when I say conservative evangelical Christians love Jews and Israel like pedophiles love children?
Also you might be surprised to see “Russia” in there, since it decidedly doesn’t appear in the Bible. But if you’d like to dive into “Gog and Magog” and learn what that is, knock yourself out.
This Is Why Mike Huckabee Is So Hard Right Now
See in that list above how, by number 10, it’s referring to “believing Jews,” who are apparently indistinguishable from Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz and Mike Johnson now?
That’s what’s happening here. These freaks would not care what Benjamin Netanyahu was aiming missiles at. They just want Israel to get to starting World War III already — or somebody starting it against Israel — because they believe that one will be the final showdown, Armageddon.
They already see Donald Trump as a Biblical figure, either a King Cyrus or a Queen Esther, some kind of foul pagan man who is nonetheless being used as God’s holy instrument to accomplish His will. Whenever you see them laying hands on him and shit, it’s important to realize exactly who they think they’re laying hands on.
And they see today’s political events — and any bloodshed it causes, for Israelis, Iranians, Palestinians — as all part of the Bible Prophecy process. And ohhhhhhh, they are into it.
It’s fucking sick. These people are fucking sick.
Again, God bless Jennifer Welch for saying it out loud on CNN. As long as this is where the world is, we need to be calling out these creeps for it every chance we get.
Here’s a video of Huckabee himself talking about Israel just four days ago. You won’t come out of it less convinced that fundamentalist Christians love Israel and Jews like pedophiles love children.
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Maybe worth noting that "Late Great Planet Earth," the Original Lunatic Text, also proclaimed in 1970 that among those things which absolutely positively infallibly had to come to pass because they were plainly and unmistakably foretold in the prophecies of the absolutely positively infallible Bible, were:
1) the utter economic collapse of the United States due to Hippies, Welfare, Riots, Hippies Rioting for Welfare, etc.;
2) the global rise of Russian Communism, which the now-ruined U.S. would be entirely helpless to combat (because if the US was going to be a factor in the End Times, the US would be in the Bible, wouldn't it?);
3) the molding of the European Union into a single superstate, becoming the only power capable of standing against Russian Communism.
So when these things plainly and unmistakably did not come to pass, Lindsey repented for his blasphemous presumption hahaha no, he went on writing more books about what would now really, seriously, for real this time infallibly come to pass because (etc. etc.), but the evangelical Christians rose up as one to say "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice" hahaha no, they gobbled up the Brand Spanking New and Improved revelation too,
That’s a really nice summary of the madness of pre-millennialism. Now, I am a Brit, and a ‘normal’ Christian, I.e. an Anglo-catholic, which means the very nearly Roman Catholic bits of the Anglican Church (which is itself a fragment split off the universal Catholic Church). And I would just like to reiterate that:
* none of this stuff has any basis in the Gospels or the core epistles; the only ‘Christian’ influence is the Apocalypse, which is scarcely mainstream, and is basically a fantasy, and not part of the Christian core. So, basically, none of this is actually Christian. In fact, much of it isn’t even biblical. A surprising amount seems to derive from the loony theology of the Great Disappointment.
* Catholic Christianity does not accept or recognise any of this nonsense, so we don’t actually have it as an article of faith. As Pope Benedict XVI said, the Christian religion is founded on the word of Christ in the gospels, and discussions of same in Acts and the epistles. None of this batshit is in any of them. It has no place in Christianity.
* Anyone who says this stuff is part of Christ’s word, or his commission to his followers, is lying.