Tim Walz Is The Man Loser MAGA Guys Can Never Be

What does a real alpha male look like? Not MAGA.

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OK, let’s talk about America’s new best dad ever Tim Walz.

AUDIO VERSION HERE.

Kamala Harris’s selection of Minnesota Governor, dog-dad, cat-dad and people-dad Tim Walz has broken MAGA men. It has taken just under a week.

As we type this, the American right is desperately trying to gin up accusations (baseless, already debunked) of Stolen Valor against Walz, that this man who served 24 years in the Army National Guard and then retired lied about his service and somehow abandoned his men in their time of need.

It’s an incredibly stupid smear, even for MAGA. The dates don’t even match up. The same allegations have been levied at Walz in previous campaigns, by the same absolute idiots, they were bullshit then, they’re bullshit now. Should we mention here that the integrity-free scumbag running Donald Trump’s campaign, Chris LaCivita, used to be a bigwig with the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth? He’s a bad person.

Over at my day job at Wonkette, one of my colleagues debunked the piss out of this, noting:

Hey, it’s what the supporters of Cadet Bone Spurs have, and they are going to milk it for all they’re worth, because unlike Donald Trump, Walz never pretended that being sent to military school made him a veteran, and never had a personal Vietnam that consisted of worrying about getting herpes from sleeping with women he’d picked up at discos. Heck, Tim Walz has never even proudly shown everyone a Purple Heart medal that somebody gave him so he could claim he had a Purple Heart medal.

Donald Trump’s disappointing running mate J.D. Vance has been leading the smears against Walz while Trump hides on his toilet, because Vance also served in the military. (And of course, the journalistic anal fissures at the New York Times have just run with it, dutifully scribbling down whatever Republicans tell them like the bootlickers they are.)

It’s been noted that on Vance’s deployments during his much shorter time in service — four years — he served as a “combat correspondent,” AKA he wrote articles about the goings-on of his unit. So maybe J.D. Vance isn’t the best guy to go after Walz on this after all, if it’s supposed to be a contest of who’s tougher.

Of course, the Harris-Walz campaign is far classier than Vance, and even managed to thank him for his service, while they were flaying him:

After 24 years of military service, Governor Walz retired in 2005 and ran for Congress, where he chaired Veterans Affairs and was a tireless advocate for our men and women in uniform – and as Vice President of the United States he will continue to be a relentless champion for our veterans and military families. Governor Walz would never insult or undermine any American’s service to this country — in fact, he thanks Senator Vance for putting his life on the line for our country. It’s the American way.

Or as former ambassador to Russia Michael McFaul tweeted:

Funny how hard and fast they went with this, especially just after Tim Walz humiliated Trump running mate J.D. Vance with that couch joke the other night.

They’re stung.

What’s This About Stolen Tampons?

Well, if Megyn Kelly thinks it’s a winning political message, when have her instincts ever steered her hilariously wrong?

Okeydoke. These people are not shedding their “Jesus, y’all are fuckin’ weird, please stay away from my children and their elementary school” vibes any time soon.

The story is that Gov. Walz signed a bill last year requiring that all schools provide free menstrual hygiene products in the bathrooms. They are even in the boys’ bathrooms. (Trans kids: they exist! Even if conservative Christians are very very scared of them)

This is what the shut-ins, Nazis and incels of the MAGA movement think is a winning message, against Tim Walz.

This Joyous Hunk Of Pure Midwestern Dad Is The Man MAGA Men Cannot Be.

Obviously MAGA is attacking Walz for a number of reasons, prime among them that the polls just keep getting better and better for Harris and Walz, and worse and worse for weird gross MAGA creeps, perverts and criminals.

But there’s something else at play here, something that speaks to the emotions and the scars behind the MAGA attacks, which is what we talk about a lot here at The Moral High Ground.

Succinctly: Tim Walz is the negation of the desperately insecure, performatively masculine MAGA man.

Have you seen all the memes? Here are some memes.

Here’s one, referencing the recently viral meme about whether women would rather be stuck alone in the woods with a man, or with a bear.

“Minnesotan women telling me it would be okay to pick Tim Walz over the bear is really all I needed to hear,” wrote the original poster. One of zillions of replies to posts like this said, “You should 100% pick Tim Walz over the bear. Not only will Tim Walz share his snacks with you he will help lead you out of the forest while pointing out how to tell a pine tree and a spruce tree apart.”

On Threads and Twitter, the viral hashtag has been #BigDadEnergy, as untold numbers of people come together to riff on the same basic joke about Tim Walz:

• "Tim Walz saves the box. ‘Cause it’ll come in handy for something. BigDadEnergy"

• “Tim Walz says ‘left some gas in it for ya!’ When he hands his empty shopping cart off to another person at the store. BigDadEnergy”

• When he notices your haircut, Tim Walz says, ‘Hey! You got your ears lowered!’ BigDadEnergy

More:

Sal Gentile, who writes the excellent “A Closer Look” segment on Seth Meyers, tweeted, “Tim Walz will expand free school lunches, raise the minimum wage, make it easier to unionize, fix your [carburetor], replace the old wiring in your basement, spray that wasp’s nest under the deck, install a new spring for your garage door and put a new chain on your lawnmower.”

Have you seen the endless pictures of this man with animals, especially his own pets?

And then there’s this meme, which I am 100 percent certain will hit a number of readers directly in the gut.

Entire documentaries have been made about that, about families torn apart, and dads, and parents in general, lost to the brainwashing of right-wing media and Fox News. (The poisoning started with Rush Limbaugh, may he never take a break from rotting in hell.)

Tim Walz has broken MAGA men because he is a man they cannot be. He’s the man riding the slingshot with his daughter at the Minnesota State Fair and making dad jokes about how turkey isn’t meat in Minnesota, when she says she’s a vegetarian.

He’s also the man who, when he was a teacher and high school football coach, and when a student approached him asking about starting the first gay/straight alliance at their school — this was in the 1990s — said absolutely, and said he wanted to be the group’s faculty advisor, because “It really needed to be the football coach, who was the soldier and was straight and was married.” Because he knew how powerful that would be for those kids.

(Michael Knowles, easily the most effete of Ben Shapiro’s Daily Wire boys — the one who did a gay sex scene in an indie porn flick and then (???) and now he’s the guy I saw walking around at the Republican Convention and said to myself, “Good lord, what a tiny little priss” — sneered at this, saying “this guy was a pioneer when it comes to talking about weird sex stuff, desires, and behaviors with 14-year-olds.” So strange and prurient how conservative Christian MAGA guys immediately frame it in those terms. Again, they’re not shedding that “disturbed, repressed pervert” image anytime soon!)

Tim Walz Has Broken Them, Entirely

A couple weeks ago, I talked about how, beyond all his theocratic Handmaid’s Tale premature ejaculation fantasies, one of the reasons J.D. Vance and men like him are so threatened by Kamala Harris is that she represents the negation of their patriarchal worldview, and their proscriptions for who women are allowed to be and what they’re allowed to do with their own bodies.

I also talked about how conservative Christians and their ideological compatriots are hellbent on preventing their children from being exposed to joyous, brilliant, successful people like Harris, because that’s a one-way ticket to their kids finding out Mommy and Daddy have been lying to them, telling them that the only way to a happy life is through the narrow path of hateful white Christian fascism.

Likewise here.

Put it this way: If a kid has Tim Walz to look up to, they’re not going to look up to Donald Trump or J.D. Vance. In fact, they might start openly laughing at men like Donald Trump and J.D. Vance and the rest of the MAGA-sphere long before they would have, had they not been exposed to Tim Walz.

And it’s not just Walz either. There are shit-tons of guys like him out there. That’s why all the jokes about #BigDadEnergy work, because everybody KNOWS that guy, whether or not they were lucky enough to have that guy as their own personal dad. People can write their own endless versions of the joke.

(By the way, the flip side of this is why the J.D. Vance couch jokes work. While no one has any proof he fucked a couch, or any reason to believe he did, he’s a gross, unnatural, off-putting person with bizarre proclivities and beliefs, so the human mind has no difficulty imagining walking in on J.D. in a dark room humping away at the furniture. Comedy has to be based at least on a filament of reality in order to work.)

Meanwhile, MAGA men are … MAGA men.

And they are losing it over Tim Walz. It’s not only because they want to win and view non-Christian-fascist power to be inherently illegitimate. It’s because MAGA’s insecure sense of its own manhood already feels devastatingly emasculated by Tim Walz, who exudes confidence and dude-hood, the kind that doesn’t feel the need to prove it to you.

On Fox News, Jesse Watters, the most obviously masculinity-insecure man on the network ever since Tucker got fired, is calling Walz “Twitchy Tim,” criticizing how he hugs his wife, and saying, “Men should not move this way. It’s not the way we move.”

As if Watters is qualified to speak for men as a collective when describing how “we” move. (Pretty sure the only move he’s got mastered is letting the air out of his now-wife’s tires to trick her into getting into his car.)

They’re just desperately wilding out here.

To go back to the bear thing: not all men who’d lose out to the bear in that scenario are MAGA men — ha ha, certainly not! Tons of progressive dudes have their own special ways of being creeps.

But every MAGA man loses to the bear.

Meanwhile, Tim Walz knows that bear is more scared you than you are of it, and also he knows that bear’s name and has been visiting its family for years on camping trips, so just relax and he’ll make sure everybody gets home in one piece. He’ll take a picture of you with the bear first, of course.

We’ll end with that video of Tim at the state fair with his daughter.

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-Evan