Uh Oh, J.D. Vance Is Doing Masculinity Drag Again
Too manly, can't handle it!
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OK it’s time to make fun of J.D. Vance.
Last night on her MSNBC show, Stephanie Ruhle uttered these words to end a segment on Vice President J.D. Vance: “As a fan of alpha males, HE AIN’T ONE.”
Damn, Stephanie, SAME and SAME.
She and guest Michael Steele had been talking about this clip of Vance talking at CPAC, which has in less than 24 hours already been made fun of by every person who ever lived:
“What is your message to the young men?” asked Mercedes Schlapp, the wife of American Conservative Union chair Matt Schlapp, who made news yet again just before CPAC kicked off with a whole new round of allegations that he grabbed the penis of a man who did not want him to grab his penis, at a bar in Virginia. What is your message to the men, J.D. Vance, asked Mercedes Schlapp, who casual observers might think is more of a beard than anything growing out of J.D. Vance’s face full of human butthair.
Talk to the men, oh manly man of manliness!
And he said:
“I think that our culture sends a message to young men that you should suppress every masculine urge. You should you should try to cast aside your family. You should try to suppress what makes you a young man in the first place.
“And I think that my message to young men is don’t allow this broken culture to send you a message that you’re a bad person because you’re a man, because you like to tell a joke, because you like to have a beer with your friends or because you’re competitive.
Mercedes Schlapp — Mercy as she’s known to fellow fascists — started laughing the throaty laugh of a conservative white woman who liked what this guy was sayin’! J.D. continued:
“The cultural message — and I think the president’s and mine is the exact opposite –but our cultural message is I think that it wants to turn everybody, whether male or female, into androgynous idiots who think the same, talk the same and act the same.
“We actually think God made male and female for a purpose. And we want you guys to thrive as young men and as young women. And we’re going to help with our public policy to make it possible to do that.”
J.D. continued: “What is the essence of masculinity? You could answer this in so many different ways, but when I think about me and my guy friends, we really like to tell jokes to one another. Like, we like to laugh!”
Got that? The essence of masculinity is jokin’ around and havin’ fun!
God, what a creepy, off-putting little charisma desert of a man. Is there anything these weird white MAGA fascists won’t whine about? And isn’t it just so hot? Isn’t it manly and big and strong? Doesn’t he make you just want to go outside and haul firewood around your backyard, just to prove that you can?
OK, so to recap: the culture doesn’t allow men to be men. The culture doesn’t allow men to tell jokes. (He means that if white Nazi men tell racist or misogynistic jokes in public, they might face public consequences for their public actions. People might even see it and email those white men’s bosses!) The culture doesn’t allow men to have a beer. (You bet, Brett Kavanaugh.) The culture forces men to be “androgynous idiots who think the same, talk the same and act the same,” unlike MAGA men, who are known for their unique personalities and diversity.
BUT DEFINITELY NOT FOR BEING ANDROGYNOUS! PLEASE WRITE IN THE NEWSPAPER HOW MANLY THEY LOOK!
As for the part about “We actually think God made male and female for a purpose,” that needs to be seen in context of all J.D. Vance’s sick Christian nationalist ideas about women, and quite frankly, the bizarre, deep-seated, mommy-hating issues that have been festering in poor J.D.’s belly for decades.
Reminder: J.D. Vance is trying to take America back from the “childless cat ladies” who he says are “miserable.” He values “young boys in the womb” more than he values women’s lives. He thinks white Christian nationalist mommies and daddies should have extra votes, so they can vote on behalf of their kids.
The crowd at CPAC went wild. Sidenote: Mercy Schlapp said last week that CPAC is a really hot dating scene, which is funny, considering, you know, her husband, and it made me think of how the longest-running joke about CPAC and all conservative conferences like that is how active Grindr and other gay hookup apps get the second attendees’ flights start to land.
Anyway! All of this is just such pathetic masculine insecurity and projection. To state the obvious, springing off Stephanie Ruhle, nobody thinks of J.D. Vance as a particularly manly man. Nobody thinks of any whinyass white conservative MAGA man crying about “wokeness” as a strong man. Some guys like that — Pete Hegseth AKA Secretary Shitfaced comes to mind immediately — obviously think they are, but you’re not going to find a normal, well-adjusted person who agrees.
None of this is real strength, certainly not the kind that comes from a person’s core. It’s a ridiculous, performative, campy version of masculinity, the kind that emanates from people who desperately have something to prove.
It’s masculinity drag.
It’s amusingly appropriate for the subjects of a wannabe king who finishes every event doing the “jerking-two-dicks-at-once” dance while The Village People play.
(In the olden days, before the wokes came along, real men were allowed to be policemen and cowboys and construction workers and sailors and … )
Thank King Trump for legalizing masculinity again!
Ahem.
On Stephanie Ruhle’s show, Michael Steele said there’s more to being a man than “sitting on your ass on stage pontificating” about this shit. He said he’s “sick of these sappy-ass songs from poor put-upon guys like J.D. Vance.” So say we all.
I’m reminded of a point I made back in the summer, when the Olympics were going on. Remember how in Paris American swimmer Katie Ledecky became the most decorated American woman Olympic athlete of all time, while failed swimmer and conservative MAGA grifter Riley Gaines was appearing in anti-trans campaign commercials for Marsha Blackburn, as if somehow she might have been the one on the podium if it hadn’t been for trans athletes? I noted that it’s remarkable how far from the medals podium these MAGA dipshit culture war tantrums over trans athletes were (and are still) happening.
So too with this MAGA masculinity drag thing. Truly strong men, the kinds of men who win things, aren’t sitting in CPAC listening to J.D. Vance — a funny guy who likes to joke around! — bellyaching about how racist white men can’t even act like racist white men anymore.
They’re not in piles on the floor sobbing about “DEI,” fantasizing that they’re only being passed over for jobs because of “quotas,” that if only women and LGBTQ people and racial minorities got out of the way, THEN everybody would be forced to recognize their brilliance.
Real winners, truly strong men, are out there, you know, not being losers. And they sure aren’t wearing MAGA hats.
Last week, J.D. Vance had his first outing on the world stage, and he absolutely humiliated himself, spewing forth from his white nationalist grievance machine about how Europe isn’t a safe snowflake space for the free speech and tender feelings of far-right extremists.
Meanwhile, at the same time, Hegseth was shooting himself in the dick, trying to say big boy foreign policy words about America and Ukraine surrendering to Putin that he was obviously not qualified or cleared to say. That’s when he wasn’t saying HE-MAN TUFF GUY words like “you can’t shoot values” and “nothing beats hard power!” As I wrote at Wonkette, Hegseth is so clearly out of his league here, poor thing needs to find a job more suited to his skillset, like “Guy Who Carries Things And Shuts The Fuck Up Otherwise.”
Of course, now that he’s humiliated himself abroad, Hegseth is reportedly about to fire a bunch of generals for “woke” and replace them with white men who don’t intimidate Little Mister Hard Power.
Ohhhhh, all this fuckin’ strong man shit. And of course, there’s the most buffoonish strong man of all, Donald Trump, out here declaring himself king (replete with an AI drag picture of him looking young and thin and wearing a crown!) and tweeting, “He who saves his country does not violate any law,” as if anybody worth shit wants the kind of Nazi loser “saving” he has on offer. What a bumblefucking clown.
All while Trump and J.D. bend the knee and then fully roll over for belly scratches from their big daddy boss Putin, as Liz Cheney pointed out on Twitter this week (click through for the discourse she was responding to):
Cheney is obviously an imperfect messenger, but “surrendering to a KGB butcher” is a pretty stark illustration of what kind of MAGA masculinity we’re talking about here with Trump, Vance, Hegseth and the rest of these absolute fucking losers.
God save this country before they finish making it suck as hard as they do.
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Manly men don’t spend time whining. Think Pete Buttigieg. They take care of their loved ones and communities. They look out for the marginalized and stand up for what’s right. They support their partners, share burdens, make sure everyone has what they need.
They are NOT performative
bullies whining about how they can’t get drunk and call women “sugar tits” because “culture”.
I have never had this strong an urge to punch someone in the face. Can't help it.