Tucker Carlson's Perv Daddy Spank Fantasies Are Great Closing Argument, For Kamala Harris

Maybe she can play this at one of her final rallies.

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Now let’s talk about Tucker.

In case you haven’t heard, the most put-upon segment of American society is young white men, won’t somebody think of them? We’ve been enduring articles on this, Cletus safaris of various types, ever since Donald Trump, James Comey and Vladimir Putin walked down that escalator together in 2015 and proceeded to win the 2016 election by a record-breaking negative 3 million votes.

Here’s a new one in Politico. It’s about oppressed young white fraternity brothers in North Carolina. They’re just “over it,” the article says, and they need safe spaces with beer pong, the dipshit from Five For Fighting, and John Rich from Big & Rich to soothe them. Also they need to fight tyrannical power, which is Taylor Swift and Kamala Harris.

Some of them really like Donald Trump, others don’t seem to care that much.

Or maybe they need Tucker Carlson, speaking the other night at a Trump rally in Duluth, Georgia, sponsored by mangled-faced Charlie Kirk’s Turning Point Action. Tucker was stumping for Trump, and more broadly for white Christian fascist supremacy, superiority and a return to a status quo society that doesn’t laugh at dudes like Tucker and make jokes about them to their face. But judging by normal people’s reaction to this clip, it might as well be a closing argument for why we absolutely must elect Kamala Harris in a week and a half.

Before you watch this video, trigger warning for this guy is a fucking pervert, OK? Additionally, trigger warning for how Tucker Carlson still has the same shrill, never-puberty-ed laugh he did when he had a real job, before Fox News canned him.

TUCKER: Kamala Harris shouldn’t have a job! She has no skills!

We should note that Tucker sounds like he’s being goosed every time he utters a noun. That’s how angry he is, and that’s what Tucker sounds like when he’s angry.

“How did we wind up with a system where Kamala Harris, who couldn’t change the tire on your truck much less drive it …

According to this website, Harris can and does drive, and the Harris-Emhoff family has a bunch of cars, because Doug’s a car guy. Obviously, Tim Walz can change the tire, so we sure are glad Harris picked him as her veep. Also not sure why Tucker thinks Harris (or Emhoff) couldn’t change the tire. Also we don’t know that Tucker could.

Oh fuck it, while we’re arguing about Tucker Carlson’s well-documented masculinity issues, and why they would lead him to make up stories about Kamala Harris not being able to drive, let’s call AAA.

“How did SHE wind up at the top of the pyramid? And then once she’s there, she lectures YOU! Like YOU did something …

Goose goose goose.

“It’s too much! You can’t allow that!

Oh here comes Little Man! He’s so mad. “You can’t allow that!” he shouts, his voice rising into its soprano octaves.

Clearly, Tucker’s fragile sense of white male authority and hierarchy is being threatened. (Back when he had his show, he expressed his anal glands regularly about how threatened he felt by the Big Bad Black Vice President Lady.)

“It’s an offense against the truth, against reality, and against justice itself!

Uh huh, OK. Let it out.

Now it’s time for Tucker to really explore his “you can’t allow that” feelings, to show us on the doll exactly where he feels emasculated by literally everything.

“And the second reason you can’t allow it is very familiar to anyone who has children, which is if you allow it, you will encourage more of it. If you allow people to get away with things that are completely over-the-top and outrageous …

“If you allow your two-year-old to smear the contents of his diapers on the wall of your living room, and you do nothing about it, if you allow your 14-year-old to light a joint at the breakfast table, if you allow your hormone-addled 15-year-old daughter to, like, slam the door of her bedroom and give you the finger, you’re gonna get more of it.

“And those kids are gonna wind up in rehab. It’s not good for you and it’s not good for them.

“No! There has to be a point at which Dad comes home!

Biiiiiiiig tough daaaaaaaaaadddddyyyy maaaaaaaaan!

You should hear the way Tucker shouted “No!” If he was your dad, you would light that joint at the breakfast table and give him the finger, while laughing at him.

This kind of projection is self-soothing for white MAGA Christian fascists, you have to let them talk it out, so let’s keep going.

“Yeah, that’s right! Dad comes home, and he’s pissed! Dad is PISSED!

Sometimes they start writing fan fiction about themselves. I imagine it’s therapeutic.

And oh boy, I reckon that Turning Point USA crowd made Tucker feel like more of a man than he’s felt in weeks, the way they cheered for him acting out his fantasies right in front of them.

“He’s not vengeful. He loves his children, disobedient as they may be, he loves them because they’re his children. They live in his house. But he’s very disappointed in their behavior and he’s going to have to let them know.

Remember that Tucker is on a diatribe about how they can’t allow Kamala Harris to be president. However, if you listen to his remarks before then — which one of my colleagues at Wonkette did — you hear that Tucker is also “WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME!” fap-fap-fapping about the misbehavior of America, which has a real pattern these days of showing insufficient deference and respect to white Christian fascist Nazis.

(And what’s this entire newsletter about? The violent, bawling, decades-long tantrum those loser sons of bitches are subjecting the world to as a result.)

Here’s the point where Tucker’s fan fiction started taking a decidedly perverted turn, but one that wasn’t surprising, considering how often MAGA Christians and church leaders make headlines for perverted reasons:

“Get to your room right now and think about what YOU did!” And when Dad gets home, you know what he says? “You’ve been a bad girl. You’ve been a bad little girl and you’re getting a vigorous spanking right now!”

Tucker sort of said it like a main character on “To Catch A Predator,” but also sort of like a guy who trains chihuahuas for the circus and maybe dated Joe Exotic once?

Bad girl! Bad little girl! Naughty girl!

Point is, we are entirely unclear what section of PornHub Tucker is on right now, but we bet MAGA dudes spend a lot of time there.

“And no, it’s not going to hurt me more than it hurts you. No, it’s not. I’m not going to lie! This is going to hurt you a lot more than it hurts me. And you earned this. You’re getting a vigorous spanking because you’ve been a bad girl.”

“You’re getting a vigorous spanking!” said big powerful Father Knows Best Tucker, to his little girl, who had “been a bad girl.”

Not a bad boy, no no no. Tucker’s fantasy here is about a bad, bad girl. And Tucker is the dadddddddy.

Psychologists are free to speculate as to why Tucker told this story this way, as opposed to that way. Reacting to this on his MSNBC show last night, Chris Hayes referred to Tucker’s “mommy issues you can see from space,” which is on point since Tucker Carlson’s mommy left their family when he was six and never came back. Interesting that he has the issues he has with women, and J.D. Vance has the issues he has, considering the mommy issue commonalities of their history.

The crowd continued to cheer. Wonder how many men in an average MAGA crowd are on the sex offender registry, or should be.

“And it has to be this way! It has to be this way because it’s true! And you’re only gonna get better when you take responsibility for what you did.

“That’s not said in the spirit of hate, it’s not said in the spirit of vengeance or bigotry, far from it! It’s said in the spirit of justice, which is the purest and best thing there is. And without it, things FALL APART.

Tucker was stomping his fists up and down like he is an important man saying important things, wise things.

“The Democratic Party machine — and notice I’m not beating up on Kamala Harris, who’s just a hapless victim who happened to be there and the right color so they grabbed her …

There’s that white hood. I knew it’d poke out at some point.

“Tim Walz, they needed some … whatever Tim Walz is!

We’ve talked about why MAGA men are so absolutely confused by the actual confidence of men like Tim Walz, men whose masculinity isn’t defined by who they’re currently having alcoholic divorced dad road rage/domestic violence/sexual assault tantrums toward.

Tim Walz Is The Man Loser MAGA Guys Can Never Be

Tucker’s gonna tell us more about these masculinity issues, so please join him on this tangent, as he has an apparent psychological need to keep going:

“They needed a weak man! Because it is the party of weak men and unhappy women!

At this point the Turning Point USA audience started hooting and hollerin’ their inbred spit in the air, because somebody was making them feel better and tougher and stronger and hotter than the fuckin’ libs. Totally normal people.

“One of which leads to the other by the way! Where you find weak mean, you will inevitably find unhappy women! Sorry! And they make them on purpose! They weaken the men to drive the women insane to have the most consistent voting bloc ever in the history of politics, unhappy women made unhappy by weak men!

OK buddy, whatever! Keep talking it out as long as you need to. We’ll still all be here when you’re done.

Christ, it’s like somebody threw him a pacifier shaped like Vladimir Putin’s finger and he just forgot he was in public.

“But it could be anybody! It could be anybody! Kamala Harris is just a stand-in! She’s a cardboard cutout! I mean, you know, you know, she has a soul, God created her, I’m not attacking her humanity, but there’s nothing there, it doesn’t matter!

“If it wasn’t Kamala Harris, it would be, I dunno, Pete BUTTERJUDGE, or …

Have we talked about how extremely threatened Tucker Carlson is by gay men, and by Pete Buttigieg in particular? He has major, major issues with Pete Buttigieg.

Which makes sense, because you want to talk about a man’s man whose masculinity is the absolute negation of everything that ever made Tucker feel like he was manly enough?

As I wrote at Wonkette once:

Tucker Carlson has severe and well-documented masculinity issues and he has especially always demonstrated that he feels extremely threatened by Secretary Mayor Pete Buttigieg, a gay man who is strong and tough and manly and smart and (most importantly for our purposes here) seems exceedingly comfortable in his skin.

So Tucker making up conspiracy theories about Pete not being gay, that’s what they call a defense mechanism, to protect his delicate psyche from having to confront that Pete is so much tougher of a dude than Tucker is and it’s not even close.

Look, we’re a doctor now! (Not a doctor.)

So that’s where the above clip ends, the part that made the most news at least.

There were some other weird parts, as my Wonkette colleague explained, for instance about how “almost every single person” who works at MSNBC has “a personal life so grotesquely weird, if you knew the details, you’d call for their arrest.” Which sounds like projection to me, but whatever. Also he said a bunch of Nazi shit, as he does.

To underline what fucking perverts and creeps all these people are, when Donald Trump came on the stage later, the people there yelled “Daddy’s home!” and “Daddy Don!" Trump very recently made headlines when he, speaking like the adjudicated rapist he is, started having creepy growling orgasms on stage telling women “I have to be your protector,” and “You will no longer be abandoned, lonely, or scared,” and “You will be protected and I will be your protector.”

We guess the audience was ready for Trump to take them upstairs and give them their dirty spankings.

Kamala Harris is making her closing argument at the Ellipse next Tuesday, the site of Donald Trump’s speech before the terrorist attack he incited on the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021, to overthrow the government and overturn the election he lost.

But again, I feel like this is a good closing argument too, for her. It’s like a show-and-tell of the damaged, curdling rage of the white male conservative Christian fascist demanding respect he has not earned, certain in his belief that the universe has bestowed upon him authority over everyone else. (Christian Nightmares has a good little roundup of how Tucker’s ragey yelp-fest sits in the context of the historical, fundamentally perverted Christian fundamentalist conception of justice.)

It’s some sick shit.

Kamala Harris’s final rallies have Barack Obama, Bruce Springsteen, Willie Nelson and Beyoncé. Trump has this high-pitched frozen dinner Fauntleroy who flails his hands around madly while calling him Daddy. (And making up Daddy stories about himself.)

If you’re into dudes like that — poor man’s idea of a rich man, weak man’s idea of an alpha, etc. — we guess you’ll just have to vote for Chickenshitler himself, Donald Trump.

People who are better than all that loser crap, who are ready to turn the page, it’s time to go win this election for Kamala Harris.

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-Evan